Emotions other than 'happy' are OK!

There is so much nobody tells you before you embark on a huge weight loss journey. I guess it could all be so overwhelming in the beginning, so perhaps it is for the best. But it makes for some crazy emotional roller coasters along the way. There are some things that people who haven't lost over 100 lbs just won't understand. Like how I could be discouraged looking in a mirror after losing 125 lbs. I think the assumption is that I will (or should) be constantly happy because I've come so far. I love my journey! I've made photo books about how far I've come and I proudly show them to anyone who stands still near me long enough.* So yes, I appreciate how far I have come. But there is a cost. For example:

1. I do NOT recognize the face that stares back at me from the mirror. This can be extremely unsettling, especially early in the morning or when I catch a quick glimpse as I pass a mirror or window. Change, even good change, is stressful. The familiar is comfortable, even when it isn't the best. I don't miss the fat. But I certainly miss knowing who is looking back at me and sometimes I feel very lost inside this new person.

2. Needing a whole new wardrobe every few months, when you can not afford one, is not fun. It is frustrating to be trying to get dressed in the morning and finding out that something that fit the last time you wore it is too big today. Yes, it is great I'm losing weight. We've already established that. But is it too much to ask my clothes to shrink sizes with me? Yeah, I guess it is. But man, that would be nice! When I was packing for the Ragnar, I had to try on every piece of clothing before I packed it to make sure it still fit. And no longer being able to wear clothes that I LOVE is a bummer, too. I have an emotional attachment to some of this stuff, especially my goal outfits that I've worked so hard to get into.

3. You don't get to choose where the fat abandons first. Perhaps I am just weird, but I am not shrinking symmetrically, which leaves my body looking pretty funny. Most days I have a sense of humor about this but some days I just want to cry. It is a good thing that joining a nudist colony is not one of my goals.

4. Fat puffs out wrinkles. While I am feeling younger, I am looking older! No, I don't want to go back to feeling old and looking young. But some days I definitely mourn the loss of my youthful looks.

5. I've always struggled with being insecure. But I always had the fat to blame if people didn't like me. They weren't rejecting me, they were rejecting the fat girl. Now I have nothing to hid behind, nothing to blame. As wonderful as the Ragnar experience was, it has brought to light how EXTREMELY insecure I've become and it is much worse than I thought. Being chosen as a contest winner was a huge boost to my confidence, but I came home from the race fretting that perhaps they didn't like me once they actually met me. Does it matter if they liked me or not? Nope. I'm not likely to see many of them ever again. The ones I will see again (Sione, Filipe and SunShine) do seem to like me (or fake it really well!) And yet I stupidly worry about what the others think of me.

I don't tell you any of this to discourage you. Trust me, getting healthy is the most amazing journey you can embark on! But go into it knowing that losing weight doesn't solve all your problems and may just reveal problems you didn't know you had. Kind-of like what they say about winning the lottery (although I'd love the chance to prove them wrong on that one!) I went into a several week depression just because I felt guilty that I wasn't super excited all the time. The mirror thing REALLY messed with me for awhile. I strongly believe that knowing some of what was coming would have been helpful, as I am a big fan of being prepared. The emotions would still have been there, but at least I wouldn't have felt like a freak for struggling with them.

* True story: The baggage check lady in San Diego actually came out to give me a hug after looking through my book. I was having to repack all my bags, so I figured the book would entertain/distract her while I tried to take too much stuff home with me. It worked and I managed to get an extra 20 lbs of stuff home for free!

Newspaper Article

Here is the article about me that ran in the Honolulu Star Advertiser right before the Ragnar.

'Biggest Loser' TV show inspired big weight loss

Ragnar Relay Biggest Loser contest

I have to admit, I hadn't taken running very seriously. Sure, I did jogging/walking intervals sometimes but I had never had any aspiration to be a 'real' runner. Until I saw the Ragnar Relay Series and Biggest Loser alumni were teaming up and offering 4 fans the chance of a lifetime. The prize: running the Ragnar Relay SoCal with a team of Biggest Loser alumni. But in order to be eligible, I had to be able to run a 10k with a 14 minute pace. For some people, that is a brisk walk. For my short little legs, that is definitely a sustained jog. So I waited until the last day to apply, just to make sure I could do it. The next thing I knew, I had won a spot on Sione's Blue Team! Now I have 2 months to become a runner!

Here is my application video:

It's time

Now that I'm 100 lbs into my weight loss journey, I've decided it is finally time to blog about it! Yeah, should have started sooner, I know. But with the success I've had, so many people are asking me about it, so I figure it is better to put it out there for everyone, rather than answer the same questions over and over.

The first several posts will be filling you in on the journey thus far. I have to say, it has been AMAZING! And I have so many plans for the future ... moving to Hawaii, hitting my goal weight, being a personal trainer, leading boot camps on the beach ... it's going to be a BLAST!

I auditioned for season 10 of the Biggest Loser. I didn't get a call back and wouldn't have been eligible by the time they left for the Ranch anyways (had already lost too much weight at that point.) But I got to meet some of the former contestants and that was a huge inspiration for me. More about that later, I'm sure. But the other cool thing is that season 10 is about paying it forward. And even before I knew it was their focus this season, that was already my goal. More than anything, I want to help others on this crazy journey.

There have been a lot of things I haven't been able to do, because of finances. One of my major goals as a personal trainer is to have a scholarship program so that money doesn't have to be a road block. This is what I'll be doing for a living, so of course I have to make money. But there has to be a balance ... a way to help others who need it the most, regardless of their financial situation.

I also want to specialize in working with people who have 100 lbs or more to lose. I've been there and done that! There are certain things about being morbidly obese that other people just can't relate to and don't understand. I recently flew for the first time since I've lost a majority of the weight. As I was passing a guy sitting in first class, he was asking for a seat belt extender and my heart broke for him. That was me only two years ago! Okay, not the first class part. But I know what it is like to squeeze into a seat, suck it in as far as you can and still not be able to get the seat belt around your belly. Then I got back to my seat, easily fit in, hooked the seat belt and, for the first time ever, had to pull the strap to tighten it. Seriously, tears of gratitude filled my eyes. It is these small victories that make all the hard work worth it.