Emotions vs Logic

This last month has been really, really tough. I've been struggling with a lot of food issues that I thought were behind me. Well, struggling and losing the battle, to be perfectly honest. I've gained back about 7 lbs and while that isn't a lot, it is a step in the wrong direction. Seventeen steps, actually, since I should have been losing during this time. But every time I've hit a stumbling block during this journey, I remind myself that there is something to learn from it that I'll be able to pass on to others some day. Every challenge makes me stronger. Every battle, won or lost, provides new insight. My insight this time? Even though I am a very logical person, I am ruled by emotions when it comes to body/weight/food issues. I know I've gained 7 lbs and I know what 7 lbs looks like. But for some reason, when someone took a picture of me at the beach last weekend, I expected it to look like my 'before' pictures. I was literally shocked to look at the picture and see a 'normal' size person. My mind had gone back to 290+ lbs, even if my body didn't come close to that. And, in case you are wondering, yes I do have mirrors in my house. But what I saw reflected in those mirrors was a bloated, depressed, frustrated person. There is no logic to it, but our mind has so much power over how we view things. Fortunately, we can choose to take our thoughts captive. I had a conversation with a dear friend once about how to do that. She joked that it would be nice to have a thought catcher to wear on top of her head. So I made her one! Okay, so there is nothing magical about this baseball cap. But it is a fun reminder that it is a CHOICE we make, each and every time we are faced with negative thoughts: will we listen to them or will we take them captive and speak the truth to ourselves? Personally, I'm ready for some truth, thank you very much.

Weight Loss Myths

I won't pretend to understand what guys think, so I'm only speaking for the girls here. But I would be willing to bet that MOST overweight girls assume they will be beautiful if they could just lose the extra weight. Now, we may not say it out loud, or even think it directly. We just function with that assumption. If we really thought about it, we would realize that there are a LOT of skinny girls who are NOT drop-dead gorgeous. So what happens when we delete the fat and find out that our features are not going to make us America's next top model? I know - here I go with the 'discouraging' news again. I promise my goal is not to discourage you! Rather, I want you to think through WHY you are doing this journey. Be honest with yourself. The truth is, short of an extensive amount of surgery, which I can NOT afford, I will never have a bikini body. So if that is my motivation, I'm in trouble. It is my personal theory that misplaced motivation is key to why so many people struggle to keep the weight off after they lose it. If I went through all this work to look like a model but then I don't look like a model, where is my motivation to work hard to keep it off? But if my motivation is to be healthy, or to be able to hike or swim or bike or run (or whatever I enjoy) then I am in a much better place because I CAN do all those things now. And I look a lot better doing them now than I did at 290 lbs ;)

Emotions other than 'happy' are OK!

There is so much nobody tells you before you embark on a huge weight loss journey. I guess it could all be so overwhelming in the beginning, so perhaps it is for the best. But it makes for some crazy emotional roller coasters along the way. There are some things that people who haven't lost over 100 lbs just won't understand. Like how I could be discouraged looking in a mirror after losing 125 lbs. I think the assumption is that I will (or should) be constantly happy because I've come so far. I love my journey! I've made photo books about how far I've come and I proudly show them to anyone who stands still near me long enough.* So yes, I appreciate how far I have come. But there is a cost. For example:

1. I do NOT recognize the face that stares back at me from the mirror. This can be extremely unsettling, especially early in the morning or when I catch a quick glimpse as I pass a mirror or window. Change, even good change, is stressful. The familiar is comfortable, even when it isn't the best. I don't miss the fat. But I certainly miss knowing who is looking back at me and sometimes I feel very lost inside this new person.

2. Needing a whole new wardrobe every few months, when you can not afford one, is not fun. It is frustrating to be trying to get dressed in the morning and finding out that something that fit the last time you wore it is too big today. Yes, it is great I'm losing weight. We've already established that. But is it too much to ask my clothes to shrink sizes with me? Yeah, I guess it is. But man, that would be nice! When I was packing for the Ragnar, I had to try on every piece of clothing before I packed it to make sure it still fit. And no longer being able to wear clothes that I LOVE is a bummer, too. I have an emotional attachment to some of this stuff, especially my goal outfits that I've worked so hard to get into.

3. You don't get to choose where the fat abandons first. Perhaps I am just weird, but I am not shrinking symmetrically, which leaves my body looking pretty funny. Most days I have a sense of humor about this but some days I just want to cry. It is a good thing that joining a nudist colony is not one of my goals.

4. Fat puffs out wrinkles. While I am feeling younger, I am looking older! No, I don't want to go back to feeling old and looking young. But some days I definitely mourn the loss of my youthful looks.

5. I've always struggled with being insecure. But I always had the fat to blame if people didn't like me. They weren't rejecting me, they were rejecting the fat girl. Now I have nothing to hid behind, nothing to blame. As wonderful as the Ragnar experience was, it has brought to light how EXTREMELY insecure I've become and it is much worse than I thought. Being chosen as a contest winner was a huge boost to my confidence, but I came home from the race fretting that perhaps they didn't like me once they actually met me. Does it matter if they liked me or not? Nope. I'm not likely to see many of them ever again. The ones I will see again (Sione, Filipe and SunShine) do seem to like me (or fake it really well!) And yet I stupidly worry about what the others think of me.

I don't tell you any of this to discourage you. Trust me, getting healthy is the most amazing journey you can embark on! But go into it knowing that losing weight doesn't solve all your problems and may just reveal problems you didn't know you had. Kind-of like what they say about winning the lottery (although I'd love the chance to prove them wrong on that one!) I went into a several week depression just because I felt guilty that I wasn't super excited all the time. The mirror thing REALLY messed with me for awhile. I strongly believe that knowing some of what was coming would have been helpful, as I am a big fan of being prepared. The emotions would still have been there, but at least I wouldn't have felt like a freak for struggling with them.

* True story: The baggage check lady in San Diego actually came out to give me a hug after looking through my book. I was having to repack all my bags, so I figured the book would entertain/distract her while I tried to take too much stuff home with me. It worked and I managed to get an extra 20 lbs of stuff home for free!

Newspaper Article

Here is the article about me that ran in the Honolulu Star Advertiser right before the Ragnar.

'Biggest Loser' TV show inspired big weight loss

2 more weeks!

Yep - only 14 more days until the Ragnar SoCal Relay race. Training has been quite the experience! While I certainly wish I had more time to prepare, I am also pretty pleased with what I've been able to do in only 2 months. I spent so many years believing that I wasn't able to run. Sure, I had a lot of valid excuses. But when I just decided to do it, no matter how slow, I suddenly found that excuses mean nothing. Like everything else, it is just a choice. Do I use my excuses to justify not doing it or do I do it regardless of the challenges involved? Come on - there was a guy with ONE LEG who ran the marathon! The truth is, people do what they choose to do.

Ragnar Relay Biggest Loser contest

I have to admit, I hadn't taken running very seriously. Sure, I did jogging/walking intervals sometimes but I had never had any aspiration to be a 'real' runner. Until I saw the Ragnar Relay Series and Biggest Loser alumni were teaming up and offering 4 fans the chance of a lifetime. The prize: running the Ragnar Relay SoCal with a team of Biggest Loser alumni. But in order to be eligible, I had to be able to run a 10k with a 14 minute pace. For some people, that is a brisk walk. For my short little legs, that is definitely a sustained jog. So I waited until the last day to apply, just to make sure I could do it. The next thing I knew, I had won a spot on Sione's Blue Team! Now I have 2 months to become a runner!

Here is my application video:

Bondi Bands

Another great 'tool' that I use is Bondi Bands. They are sweat wicking headbands that have fun sayings on them (or you can get plain colors, if you prefer.) I absolutely can't stand sweat dripping into my eyes during a workout!! Here are some of my favorites: